No judge and jury this time

Nothing doing. No judge and jury this time. Sometimes those trials drag on three weeks. Sometimes they even let the guy go because he’s innocent. But that isn’t going to happen this time. I’m going to get the killer, innocent or guilty, and when I do, I’m going to saw off his head, crack his ribs, jump on his neck, smash his Adam’s apple, beat in his nose, tear off his ears, pull out his hair, bend back his fingers, twist off his toenails, and shatter his kneecap. But before I do this I’m going to work him over with a rusty knife. I’m like that, Matt. I want a clean and decent America, a place where our kids can grow and sniff the good fresh air.

--Ira Wallach

Cornelius Gilliam

Just feeling like random quotes today.

Cornelius Gilliam, sheriff of Clay County, who had campaigned for sheriff with the slogan that he had shot more wolves than any other man in Missouri...ran the Mormons out of town.

Abominable women proposing marriage

The offer of herself by a woman to a man is, to us all, a thing so distasteful that we at once declare that the women must be abominable...But the man to whom the offer is made hardly sees the thing in the same light.

 --Trollope, The Eustace Diamonds

Barely 150 years since this sort of attitude was mainstream. And we already hear men complaining that women don't take enough initiative. They can't imagine any reason why a woman would be reluctant to make the first move.

"Glamour" magazine

We all know Glamour as the magazine which led Americans to start misspelling “glamor.” But did you know it also teaches many terrible life lessons?

To the best of my recollection, all of these wonderful quotes were in the same magazine:

“Engagement eyeliner” worked for me!

(“Carrie’s” boyfriend complimented her electric blue eyeliner. Less than 24 hours later, he proposed. Glamour helpfully provides the brand name, but I will not. It sounds dangerous.)

Reading comprehension hint: when you see the word “hardwired”, know that whatever you are reading is probably bullshit.

Like most women, I’m hardwired to try to keep everybody who counts on me at the office and at home happy. There are weeks, not just days, when I feel like I’m cheating on him—with my work.

(Real women never displease others. Also, men need constant supervision. Whatever will he do if you go out and he doesn’t get sex for a whole eight hours? Probably stick forks into the electric outlets and pee on the floor.)

A dumb celebrity hopes her daughter will never develop sexual desire:

Jamie Lynn Spears says: “It’d be dumb to sit here and say that [my daughter] isn’t going to like a boy one day and she isn’t going to have a boyfriend. I’ll just have to handle that the best way that I can. Both her daddy and me will caution her about having sex, and I would hope that she would not want to do that at all, but I have to make sure that I’m realistic too.”

A woman who is boring in bed feels insecure about it:

Maybe everybody is kinkier than you are. So what? Having standard-issue sex in private is my fantasy, and that’s the last I’m going to say about it.

(Kinky sex is something other people do. Not Glamour readers, who are too busy with magic eyeliner and keeping everybody happy.)

Another dumb celebrity (Amanda Seyfried) says she doesn’t want to have sex when she doesn’t want to have sex, and also women never want to have sex:

I’m terrified of being promiscuous. I don’t like the feeling you get when it’s not something that you truly want to do, and I hate the emotional abuse you give yourself afterward.

I will spare you Glamour’s advice on yeast infections, but it is also bad.

FYI

"There is no doctor-approved way to strangle yourself while having sex or while masturbating", according to this.