Social approval! We all want it. And
we're never going to get it--at least, not as much as we want.
Whether the people around you approve of you is not within your
control. Well, some of it is--you can take some voluntary actions to
improve your chances of approval. Being nice and tipping and taking
showers helps. But that will never guarantee you get the approval you
want.
Why not? Part of it is pure luck--or “privilege,” grudgingly. Part of it is the “you can't please everyone” effect. Being upper-class is generally good, but not if you want to fit in in a lower-class environment. Some people resent immigrants; others think Americans are dumb. Some people will hate you for being black, and others for being white. You can be fat-shamed or skinny-shamed. So, fundamentally, we have to live in a world in which, no matter who you are, some people will hate you for no good reason. A woman has to navigate a world with misogynists and rapists in it. An atheist has to accept that many people think he's going to burn in hell. And gay people have to live with the knowledge that many of their neighbors disapprove of their sexual and romantic relationships. For the person who finds these facts upsetting, I recommend Agent Cooper's mantra.
Why not? Part of it is pure luck--or “privilege,” grudgingly. Part of it is the “you can't please everyone” effect. Being upper-class is generally good, but not if you want to fit in in a lower-class environment. Some people resent immigrants; others think Americans are dumb. Some people will hate you for being black, and others for being white. You can be fat-shamed or skinny-shamed. So, fundamentally, we have to live in a world in which, no matter who you are, some people will hate you for no good reason. A woman has to navigate a world with misogynists and rapists in it. An atheist has to accept that many people think he's going to burn in hell. And gay people have to live with the knowledge that many of their neighbors disapprove of their sexual and romantic relationships. For the person who finds these facts upsetting, I recommend Agent Cooper's mantra.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: They're liable to extradite you for murder and drug trafficking.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: These are things I cannot control.
This is my problem with the current gay rights movement. As a libertine and libertarian, I have of course been strongly in favor of gay rights as long as I can remember. When gay marriage was banned, and, earlier, when gay sex was illegal, there was a crying need to fight so that gay people can get what they deserve.
But now? Every time I read about a new gay rights case, it's, well, bullying. Suing the small business owner who refuses to sell flowers or cake or custom-printed T-shirts for gay weddings or gay causes. These are not cases about getting gay people what they deserve-- the same privileges and rights the rest of us enjoy. This is using the courts to force the illusion of social approval.
Not even the plaintiffs claim that any
person has actually been damaged in these cases. One litigant in a right-to-wedding-flowers case claimed
that his actual damages were some $17, or the cost of the gas he
burned when he had to drive to a different florist. In another case
involving a transgender high school student, the biologically male
student wanted to use the girls' locker room; the school wanted him
to use the boys' room, and offered the obvious compromise; a private
changing room for this student. The offer was rejected--proving,
beyond a doubt, that the transgender bathroom
controversy is not about providing safe and decent bathroom
facilities for transgender people. It's about forcing society to
accept the transgender theory of gender. This is completely
wrong. Partly, of course, I think it's wrong because my concept of
gender is different. But it would be wrong to use the courts
to force people to accept my gender theory too! I just have to live
in a world in which most people are terribly, terribly, wrong, and,
rather than being something the courts ought to correct, this seems
like the human condition.
Litigating for social approval is not
what the courts are there for. Social approval is not something gay
or transgender people deserve, because desserts don't make sense in
this context, because social approval is inherently arbitrary.
I wonder if the gay rights advocates agree with me on this point. Is it that they think of approval as something that you are entitled to, if you do x and y? In my life, I've gone from being one of the most stigmatized, powerless and low-status people in our society, to now being reasonably successful and respected. From having to ask dumb people for permission to go to the bathroom to having a job that largely consists of telling smart people what to do. And yet, I feel like the same person. It creates some cognitive dissonance that I've never really known how to communicate. But, other people have not had this experience. If you've always had people approve of you if you did the “right” thing, I imagine you might come to think of approval as something you “deserve.”
I wonder if the gay rights advocates agree with me on this point. Is it that they think of approval as something that you are entitled to, if you do x and y? In my life, I've gone from being one of the most stigmatized, powerless and low-status people in our society, to now being reasonably successful and respected. From having to ask dumb people for permission to go to the bathroom to having a job that largely consists of telling smart people what to do. And yet, I feel like the same person. It creates some cognitive dissonance that I've never really known how to communicate. But, other people have not had this experience. If you've always had people approve of you if you did the “right” thing, I imagine you might come to think of approval as something you “deserve.”
Another possibility is that gay rights
advocates think of these cases not as means of redressing specific
wrongs done to the plaintiffs, but rather as a means of shifting
popular opinion. So it's not about fighting for what someone
deserves, but rather conducting something of a morality play in which
the state of the law is merely a public relations tool.
I would be interested in hearing your opinion, especially if you agree with these gay rights cases. Do you think social approval is something that people deserve? Or do you think these cases are a PR tool? Or do you think our disagreement resides somewhere else?
I would be interested in hearing your opinion, especially if you agree with these gay rights cases. Do you think social approval is something that people deserve? Or do you think these cases are a PR tool? Or do you think our disagreement resides somewhere else?
